Sunday, July 21, 2013

New Poll Shows Single Black Men Want Long Term Relationships More Than Black Women

There's no good black men! That’s the rallying cry of single black women across America. For over a decade we have heard the same thing; it’s next to impossible for educated, black women to find love and marriage. Black women  have readily accepted this stereotype as the reason for the “epidemic” of unmarried black women. Shockingly enough, a recent study by NPR shows that 43% of single black men actually want relationships compared to 25 % of single black women. The radio broadcast can be found here. These results are greeted with much apprehension because people are so bent on proving that the opposite is true. There are a couple of theories to why this statistic may not seem true.

Economic Disparities
According to NPR, 2/3 of college degrees all African Americans receive are awarded to black women. So it seems that not only are black women more educated but they are earning more as well. With income and education as the most determining factors in social status, it could be a large status disparity between African American men and women.

It’s Not True
It could be that there are eligible black men and the marriage rates of African Americans are no more in danger than any other ethnic group in America. It could be the media’s hyper focus on black women’s lives that makes it seem as if there is a problem. It is a fact that an overwhelming percentage of people experience marriage at least once in their life regardless of their ethnic backgrounds. While it is true that people are marrying later and divorcing more often, black people are still getting married nonetheless. 

Either way, people feel strongly that these results aren't true. Sometimes when we are told something is true by the media we hold it to the golden standard of truth. We will subconsciously make it true in our lives. Maybe if we stop being so concerned with the unavailability of black men then we would be able to see all of these black men who actually want relationships. 

Friday, July 19, 2013

Signs You're Dating a Sociopath

            About 1 in 4 people have diagnosable mental disorders in the U.S. (NIH). About 1 in 5 young Americans have personality disorders. That is dangerously common. For every 4 people you date one could have a mental disorder. With all the craziness around with young people shooting, bombing, and killing other young people you need to know who you’re dealing with. Ok, that’s a bit extreme to think the people you’re dating will kill you but they can cause you severe emotional distress. You ever dated someone and everything seemed so perfect in the beginning but after a few months all hell broke loose? Was something just off? After the end of the relationship, did you doubt your sanity? You might have just have had an encounter with a sociopath. Below are signs you’re dating a sociopath.

·       Compulsive Liar

You will never meet anyone who lies so much. They lie about everything. They do it in an attempt to be who they think you want them to be. They reinvent themselves as the perfect person in your eyes. This is the way they seduce you and get you to love them. Of course none of it is true. They actually don’t have a personality or substance because they’re just a shell of a person. So they lie to fit   into a variety of settings. If you find out someone lied about everything when you first met them, run away! This means them lying about their occupation, housing   arrangements, car, and money. Don’t let them tell you they lied just to impress you. Its just manipulation!

·       Moves Way too Fast

 They move in so fast they will have your head spinning. But you will go along with it because they have spun a perfect fantasy of love. It will be good to be true.You will think this is your soul mate. Again this is just them being who you want them to be not who they really are. After they seduce you and see that you have fallen for them, they completely flip the script. Sociopaths move fast but that doesn't mean that every person who moves fast is a sociopath.

·    Always Shifts the Guilt to you When They've Done Something Wrong
 Every time you catch them doing something wrong you find yourself saying sorry in the end. It frustrates the hell out of you because you've done nothing, they are the one who messed up so why are you apologizing! This is because they feel they are never wrong. This way, they are always doing every thing right and you are always doing everything wrong. It will put them in a place above you where they can maintain control over the relationship and you.

·       You Find Yourself Isolated From Your Friends & Family *Support Circle

    This is another one that is not just consistent with sociopaths but it is consistent with abusive people. Remember abuse can be emotional and verbal not just physical. With a sociopath you are definitely being emotionally abused. They will make it seem as if you are the perfect person for them when they first meet you. Slowly they will start making negative comments about your friends and family. Then they will start accusing you of doing the same negative things your friends are doing. For example, if you go out with your friends once a week and go drinking at bars he will start to have you second guessing whether that is appropriate behavior or not. Soon you will find yourself changing to try and meet all of his criteria. This includes spending all free time with him or her and not   having a life of your own. They are intimidated by your social life because they don’t have one. They are insecure of your close friends because they are not able to maintain their own close friends, which brings me to my next point:
·       They Don’t Even Have 1 Close Friend

 Need I say more? You’re crazy if NO ONE wants to be around you. This is one of   the biggest red flags when it comes to dating.

  •  They Date Exclusively off Social Media Websites

No lie; I dated a guy who had met every single one of his girlfriends off of Facebook, including me. The reason for this is that they get to scope you out before they interact with you. So many people have their whole lives on their social media profiles so it would be easy to discern what you’re into. This way they can be the person you most likely will fall for. I know, scary isn’t it?

I know this list can seem a bit harsh. I mean are there really people out there whose sole concern is to “get you”. The answer is hell yes! And guess what? They don’t give a damn because they cannot feel real emotions.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Daddy’s Girls: The 5 types of Fatherless Women

            For the past year, I have been on a journey of exploring my inner world in an attempt to desperately gain an understanding and awareness of myself. In doing so I have come to understand why many of us behave the way we do. I have come to a conclusion: all of our needs, wants, and fears stem from our childhood. Pretty scary isn't it? People will think that little disappointments from their childhood don’t affect them when subconsciously it could be the driving force behind their entire life. We try to overcome or solve the problems from our childhood by repeating the situation over and over again in an attempt to master it. If something as small as getting rejected by classmates influence a whole life can one imagine what not having a father would do? There is this book called Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl?The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women  by Jonetta Rose Barras and in it she discusses the five types of women that are the procreation of fatherlessness.

1. The un factor:

            This factor is a feeling of being unlovable and unworthy. She constantly involves herself in relationships and situations that perpetuate this feeling she has for herself. She may get involved in an impossible relationship but try very hard to make it work. When it eventually ends in rejection and disappointment, it validates her unworthiness.

2. Triple fear factor:
            This is the fear of rejection, abandonment, and commitment. Our first relationship is with our fathers and by there being a lack of commitment in that first relationship, it makes these women truly fearful of commitment. They are involved in relationships that offer no real chance of commitment. The relationship again ends in rejection and abandonment further perpetuating their fear.

3. Sexual healing factor:

            This is the most widely known "daddy issue". The promiscuous girl. This factor ranges from promiscuity to total abstinence as well. The common factor between being promiscuous and abstinent is the lack of true intimacy. This woman fears loss so avoids intimacy at all costs. She cannot control the loss that comes with intimacy so she controls her sex life. This also commonly leads to women having children in an attempt to fill a void.  

4. Over factor:

            This is characterized by overreacting, overachieving, over doing something to the point of addiction. It can also be a trick and pony show in an attempt to tell her father you’ll be sorry that you didn't want me.

5. RAD factor: Rage. Anger. Depression
            Rage is anger directed outwards in either a positive way with a determination to achieve or directed in a negative way such as violence and destruction. Anger directed inwards is depression.  

Vanessa Simmons and her sister has always maintained a respectful image in the public eye. They are close with their father. Run DMC 
            Many women struggle with the absence of their father physically, emotionally, or both. Hopefully if you see yourself in one of these types you will come to see what is going on and talk to someone about it so that you can heal. Men be fathers to your daughters, it truly makes a world of difference. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

5 Reasons Men Don't Approach You

5 Reasons why Guys Don’t Approach You

Stuck up is not always attractive!

Is everyone and their mama quite literally on the dating scene but you? Don’t chalk it up to the skewed male to female ratio because it actually might be you! Here are 5 reasons why you never get approached by men. 

1.  You are unapproachable!

         You walk around with a mean mug on your face. You dodge eye contact and your body language screams do not speak to me. If someone does have the balls to talk to you its awkward as hell as you do not smile and engage in the conversation. I used to do this and didn't know how I looked until someone asked me why do I look mean all of the time. Guys are terrified of too much of a challenge a.k.a being shot down. This is why most guys will approach a woman who is less attractive first before a prettier woman (save for the few ugly bold). If you're really attractive you have to show that you are open to being talked to by making eye contact, talking, and smiling. Yes guys should approach you first but they have to get a signal before they approach and they are keenly watching you for the signals!

2.  You don’t go anywhere 

         I had to tell one of my girlfriends that a man was not going to walk up to her door and knock and say Hey can I be your boyfriend? You have to get out there! That doesn't mean hitting the club scene every weekend but it does mean getting out every weekend. Go to places where you can meet the type of men you want to engage with. Where you might ask? What are your hobbies? If you don't have any go somewhere like poetry night at a lounge, a networking mixer, or museum. If you are single and want a boyfriend you have to put forth a little effort!

3. When a guy does get your number you are too difficult 

            Now I was the type of girl that would diss a guy for anything. I didn't want to put up with a guy that I didn't like from the get go. When I realized that my best friend always had a date and I was drifting alone in the wind I began to wonder why. She gave guys more of a chance even if she didn't like them at first sight. Guys are always going to go after what they want while most girls just wait to be picked. The disadvantage about never approaching guys is that 90% of the time they will not be exactly what you want. Sorry but not sorry. Once you get your shyness out of the way you can learn to strike up a conversation with a guy you really want to be with. Until then you will have to give the guys who approach you a try and who knows you might unexpectedly fall in love with a great guy that you would have otherwise overlooked!

4.   No confidence in your appearance

             Yes at first it is all about the appearance! A man cannot see your personality when he first meets you so this is the only thing they have to go off of. You should literally feel like you are the shit when you walk into a room not like you’re trying to hurry up and grab a seat before anyone notices your figure. It is about exhibiting an aura of feminine sexuality no matter what you have on. Have your head up high and shoulders back, nothing worse than a slouching woman. With that being said most women cannot feel confident unless they feel they look a certain way. So if you need to get into shape, do it just remember being skinny or losing weight will not cause you to feel sexy. It is truly a feeling that comes from within. People will notice. Notice that you are a sexy beast.

5.   You are too quiet.

           If you are in a social situation talk to guys. Show that you're fun. He'll want to be near you because he wants to have fun too! Make him laugh, that will charm him. It does not have to be overt but just having good conversational skills can go a long way in getting a man’s interest (one that you would want anyway). Personality is King only trumped by the Ace looks when it comes to a first impression. You can charm a guy right off his feet if you know how to speak!